I Have Slept In This House For 153 Days And I Still Haven't Gotten My Great Uncle's Fortune

by Kearney

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about

this is a ghost story

CW: self-harm, excessive loneliness

credits

released August 23, 2016

words and music by kearney

sound effects from the video game earthbound

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Kearney Vancouver, British Columbia

my name is evan, my band is Kearney, i am presently the sole member of the band but i am accepting online applications

contact / help

Contact Kearney

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Track Name: Haunters
it takes 'til 6 PM every single night
for the cracks in the walls to start singing brightly
ringing through the halls and making me remember
how easy everything felt last December

when you came into my life and I tried but it shook me
it took me a month or two to realize that
the cracks that I track and I lack the capability of covering
are smothering me while I sleep

and I don't think you deserve it
and you don't think I deserve it
we can't both be right

I find my way
I put the pen to the page and I
wait and the silence is

coursing through my veins
I take a double shot neat
but it doesn't dull the pain

am I insane
or am I just scared?
is it better out there?
is it better out there?

i try not to cry
i look you right in the eye
and I blink and I wait for you

to tell me why you lied
when you promised you'd be here
right by my side

am I alive
or am I just scared?
is it better out there?
is it better out there?
Track Name: Dust Jacket
dear sir, would you kindly
step out of my kitchen i have been
speaking for longer
than you've listened

and i know i'm all alone
so please don't touch that phone
CRT glow shining true
i can see right through you

notice the stain on the wall
that you left when you left me
my blood never dries not
when you cut so deftly

and by the way you left
all of your videotapes
around the room
just so i can't escape

and i know i'm all alone
so please don't touch that phone
CRT glow shining true
i can see right through you

and i know this is our home
but please leave me alone
CRT glow shining true
i can see right through you
Track Name: Only Way Free
I haven't left this house
since you last came by
and I can't remember the way
to I-5

but don't let that stop you
from driving real fast
keep on picking at my scab
it will help this moment last

out in the forest you wait for the redwoods to grow
I study your face in case the cops wanna know

I haven't seen you since you
walked away
neither of us knew
neither one could stay

but that doesn't matter
not anymore
keep your arm around my shoulder
keep the pedal to the floor

you see the candles glowing soft beneath the bark
I keep them in this place in case it gets dark

your body slumps up against the tree
you whisper to me, secretly
you open my eyes, but I still can't see
this seems to be the only way free

I haven't been so good
since you last came by
I'd forgotten what it felt like
to really cry

but please don't think
I'm sad in the least
I've been starving since you left
and I'm ready for the feast

your breast is warm, your shirt streaked with my makeup
we fall backwards into space in case I wake up
Track Name: Three Days Vegetarian
went to the gas station
tried to look busy
bought a six pack of steel reserve
and I walked home a little dizzy

spent fifteen minutes sitting on the bench
watching some kid fly a kite
through the noise your voice stuck out in my mind
i don't feel alright

and i'll never be the same again
so i might as well spend what i can spend

when i crossed the threshold i turned
let the bag fall on the counter
pulled out the meat, warmer than it should've been
heard your voice a little louder

i saw the blood as it escaped from below
and bubbled up above
the dog licked everything up
and when i looked in his eyes i saw pure love

i'll never see those eyes again
so i might as well spend what i can spend
Track Name: Constitution 18
got a self help book
read it every night
tore out pages one by one
until the weight felt right

you can stab me in the gut
you can break all of my bones
but you cannot tell the king
to abandon his throne

told the doctors i'd be fine
counted days on my skin
couldn't even smile
when i found out how i'd win

you can conjure every demon
you can stay in here for good
but you cannot cut this tree
it is not made of wood

you can tell me i'll be fine
you can leave me here to think
but if you lead me to poison
don't tell me not to drink

(you will wake up in the morning
and when you do you will be happy
for you will know that every exposed nerve
has wriggled its way below your protective shell
and you will wake up in the morning
and you will forget how it felt
and you will sleep
and you will wake up)
Track Name: LEVEL-9
I have killed every monster
from here to the hills
I have written every scroll
I've run out of quills

I have found the tree of life
withered by inaction
I say my final prayer
and I brace for the reaction

my sword shines as it grows
and I can feel you coming home
breaking out from your chains
restarting what remains

it took me years getting here
but now that I'm here don't fear
we're gonna be okay
just do exactly as I say

I have solved every riddle
the jester jotted down
I deposed our despotic king
and now I wear his crown

I have found the elder's crystal
as dark as its tomb
I press my palm against it
as my eyes dart around the room

my sword shines as it glows
and I can feel you coming home
breaking out from your chains
restarting what remains

it took me years getting here
but now that I'm here don't fear
we're gonna be okay
just do exactly as I say
Track Name: Minimum Forty Percent
fell down, blacked out
waiting for you
outside the high school
that you never went to

it looked bad, it felt bad
i was running out of gin
but it was columbus day
so the spirit led me in

I remember these halls I remember the wall
where i wrote your name
I remember the bathroom where I cried
wishing I wouldn't be the same

I remember the times when I'd close my eyes
and I'd let the skin break
I remember how I spoke to you under my breath
and how it never felt fake

and I won't be alone
I'll never be alone

punched out the window
bled on the floor
kept on moving
left a handprint on the door

spit up brown stuff
in the sink
took a seat while the sirens blared
then i passed out in my drink

I remember your face all over this place
in mesmerizing collage
I remember the taste of you on my lips
and I swallow the mirage

then I remember it's fake, one big mistake
and the cuffs are tight and cold
I remember the way you'd grip my wrist
and I'd beg you to keep hold

I'll never be alone
you can't leave me alone
Track Name: Attempt
the water's warm
as i ease my body down I remember what you told me and the
termite swarm
just beneath my skin they are digging they begging to be free

the door's locked
not like anybody would've tried to open it anyway
and I'm shocked
that in 35 years I'd never figured this could be a way

to make a break
armies flowing up and down
the fire escape

the night's young
and the neon signs on main street are all fizzing out
and I've come
just to watch them burn, and turn away any last doubt

sight line shifts
my eyes are doing something I cannot recognize
and I lift
up to the corner, warn her as she takes to the sky

I spy with my eye
someone I hope finds her way
from way up high

now I'm stuck
I am trapped and I am hungry and I shout at you 'til it hurts
just my luck
my heart beats a little fast as I crash as I count every spurt

so I hope
for the first time in a while, I'm stronger than I ever thought I'd be
in my throat
the last of you is bubbling, troubling how you're still with me

I see you bleed
and you smile as you say
exactly what I need
Track Name: Dwell
september
1979
in a hospital in California
14 miles from the state line

I felt the ground shake
as you entered the delivery room
so bright outside and so d ark for me
but I knew that I'd be there soon to greet you

as it so happens I am happy to trace the steps
a coloring book filled up with rooms I've never left
I sniff the crayon, sweet and inscrutable
and I wonder how something this crude could be something so beautiful

sophomore year
senior mentorship program
I still remember the schedule
I could draw you a floor plan

and we were fast friends
and the rest happened slowly
I wouldn't change a thing
but you know me

it wasn't love at first sight, because that doesn't exist
you'd hate me for thinking so, and even if I did
one angle's never enough, no need to take a chance
everything I love about you could not fit in a single glance

you and I
we always both agreed
dying young would never be worth it
not even for the poetry

so I repeat that again and again
I really do my best
it helps for a while, until it doesn't
hugging your ashes close to my chest

if I could be reborn in another glorious form
an ageless speck of light, tiny and warm
I would reject the offer, I would cling to my memory
because the purest cosmic conception will never be as lucky as me
Track Name: I Have Slept In This House For 153 Days And I Still Haven't Gotten My Great Uncle's Fortune
there are things you're gonna wanna do
that might seem hard to you
there are things you're gonna need to do
that are much harder

and there's no way to make it easier
there's no way to make it light
there's only you and the darkness all around
and there's nothing left to do but fight, fight, fight

get a boyfriend
get a job
or stay locked up in your room and sob
do whatever you have to do
and don't let him tell you that isn't true

there's a note on the front door
there's a warning in the sky
there's a flare gun with opposable thumbs
shooting itself at your eyes

you might wanna shred the note
you might wanna close the blinds
but you must stay, you must study what you wrote
until every last word rhymes, rhymes, rhymes

start a family
start your career
or move anywhere else but here
do whatever you have to do
and don't let him tell you that isn't true

and if you get the strength
to take a step outside
cling to that feeling, never let it go
carry it with pride

there are things that will scare you
no matter the place
there are things that will haunt you
that cannot be erased

so maybe you're broken
but that doesn't make you weak
get up out of bed, take a walk around
and listen to this house creak, creak, creak

go out drinking
get your car towed
sit back and watch that shithole explode
do whatever you have to do
and don't let him tell you that isn't true

do whatever you need to do
and don't let me tell you that isn't true